I have stayed glued to the TV since that first day when someone called me in a panic and told me to watch the news. I am sure all of you have watched all those pictures and images that have proved once and for all that India is under attack from forces that resent its economic prosperity, its freedom, its pluralistic traditions and most of all, that essence of being that marks an Indian.

I am writing this not to repeat what all of us already know but to express my deep sorrow and shame for the fact that so called Muslims are behind this attack. I had a discussion with very young Arab Muslims (men and women) who came to commiserate with me and offer condolences and sympathies for all that was going on. I found it ironical that these Muslims, all young and prosperous, condemned these acts of terrorism as "un-Islamic" and quoted from the Quraan to tell me that these acts are abhorrent. Who, then, are the "Muslims" who kill and pillage in the name of Islam? Are there then two brands of Islam? Who are the teachers of these young men who run into hotels, train stations, cafes and gun down people while grinning malevolently? (See pictures captured by CCTV and displayed on BBC and CNN) And, does this mean that these acts of terrorism are directly connected with deprivation and frustration? I am saying this only because whenever I have met "educated", "prosperous" Muslims I have heard words that assure me that the "Islam" of terrorists/ extremists is not the real one.

I have also talked to a lot of Arabs who are sympathetic to the Palestinian cause but are tired of the violence and bloodshed that the Arab world has been dragged into. I have also sensed (though I can assure you that they tried to cover it as much as they could) a resentment of the Palestinians. For instance, the Lebanese have often told me that they resented the Palestinian camps set up in their country years ago and how those camps had become beds of terrorist violence and bloodshed.

When I talk to Indian Muslims who have decent jobs, decent lifestyles, children in schools/university, bank loans and mortgages, I don't hear any talk of terrorism. All I hear are common concerns about the welfare of their children and family and retirement etc. I can sense aspirations, and some sense of pride that they got out of the ghetto.

It also saddens me that when fellow Indians talk to me or mention my family they refer to me as "upper class Muslim" or as someone who belongs to a minuscule minority of Indian Muslims who have done well and are "upscale". It's clear to me that the image that they carry in their minds is that of a poverty stricken, unbathed, bearded semi literate, backward individual with a brood of ill clad, runny nosed kids.

And of course, to some extent it's true that there are Muslim ghettos that do justify the fact that these pictures and images are typical. There is no denying the fact that Indian Muslims like a lot of Indian Hindus are poor and illiterate and living on the borderline of starvation and poverty.

But does this mean we (the Muslims) should look to Pakistan or Gulf Arab countries to be our saviour? Even if the Gulf Arab countries send in funds to "help" their fellow Muslims, it is not to be used for purposes of real development but to build mosques, madarsas and the homes of those who handle these funds. I also know for a fact that these individuals who have control over these large foreign funds use this money to fund the education of their own children in the Western world while mouthing platitudes of sorrow and anger about the condition and backwardness of local Muslims.

What really angered in the recent attack were two things:

1. The parrot like rendering of a speech by a gun toting killer with highly emotional content (anger at how the Muslims of India have to live and are treated) in a totally non-emotive way. (Parrots are not emotional). Though the man was pretending to be from the South of India, he had in fact, a very strong Punjabi accent (Northern India).

2. An interview that I watched (only half of it-- I switched the channel after 7 minutes) on Al Jazeera of a Pakistani from UK. David Frost was interviewing him and the question being discussed was whether India had any real evidence to prove that it was indeed Pakistan that had provided ammunition and training to these so called "fighters". The interview annoyed me (no, angered me) because it was immediately evident to me that the Western media ( mainly UK and the US) would again manipulate issues. For years India talked of how Pakistan had set up terrorist camps and how these were being used to attack India but the US and UK and most of the Western world paid no heed. It was only after 9/11 that this was acknowledged and addressed. In this interview, I sensed again this preference for Pakistan.The West is jealous of India, it doesn't like India, it would prefer to see it poor and lost in darkness. It is also jealous of China and its recent prosperity.

The other thing that maddened me was that this suave, good looking Pakistani talking from his safe haven of British citizenship, advised India to "look within" and not blame Pakistan. He related an anecdote about how he was riding a Bombay taxi one time and how that Muslim taxi driver talked about his poverty and poor living conditions and how he yearned to be in Pakistan.

Of course, it is totally believable that this taxi driver is poor and lives in squalor but that has nothing to do with his religion. Also, what about Pakistan? Is it really a land where Indian Muslims, who migrated in the Partition, have been treated well and fairly? Is it really a land where its own citizens have access to civil society and good governance? Is it a land where education and health are given priority over acquisition of arms? Is it a land where women are given equity? Is it a land where a woman can gain access to education and advantages (unless she is upper class)? Is it a land where the middle class has been allowed to grow and thrive?

I am angry because I know how the Indian Muslims have been manipulated by so called leaders who have advised them against joining the mainstream. They have advised to keep their "identity". And what kind of "identity" is it? That of being a denizen of ghettoes with poverty, drug smuggling. prostitution, backward laws, illiteracy and petty crime. If this is my true identity then I don't desrve to be a part of the modern India. This identity projection is the scourge that has destroyed my fellow Indian Muslims.

This scourge will alienate the tiny percentage of those Muslims who lead advantaged lives from those whose existence is riddled with disdavantages. It will not allow the community to band together and work for communal upliftment and progress. (btw, my parents run an NGO that has no religious barriers and now my ex-husband has set up an NGO in his city that works for people of all faiths)

Some of you may condemn me for this but I hate Pakistan. I know "hate" is a bad word but when I hear and see things that prove all that I know and believe about that country it makes my blood boil.

I salute all those who have been martyred in this war. I also want to pledge eternal loyalty to my country. I love India and will do so till the day I die. I don't believe in the idea of Islamic nationhood because it simply does not exist. In my 11 years in the Arab world I know that Muslims and Arabs hate each other and express it openly in private conversations.